progress!

today marks the 20th day of my secret project.
that means there are one hundred reasons to be happy,
grateful,
and optimistic
pasted on scraps of paper
and tacked to my wall.

[i think what excites me the most is seeing this bare wall covered in lists (in other words, seeing something stark and boring covered in my most favorite pastime).]

i'm reading over the lists right now as i type this.
i'm thinking back on each day and remembering what went on and remembering how there were days where i couldn't think of five good things. days where i almost gave up and told myself that four was enough.

but i'm so glad i didn't give up.

because now i have learned that no matter how difficult life is,

there are always five things to be happy about.

juice squeezed from my mind-grapes.

1. i learned monday night that the best feeling in the world is riding my bike downhill at night with the sound of sprinklers in my ears and the smell of newly-blossomed flowers in my nose.
2. unexpectedly not having to work is wonderful.
3. taken is an INTENSE movie. if watching a bad-butt liam neeson kill a thousand guys in pursuit of his kidnapped daughter in paris is your thing, i recommend seeing it.
4. there's always next year.
5. it smells like hot dogs in my house right now. that's a gross smell to wake up to.
6. on the way back to idaho, i listened to this song* twice. it is that good.
7. i also rediscovered this song** and this song***
8. and this song**** and this song*****.
9. this song****** makes me think.
10. i spent fifteen minutes painting my fingernails yesterday and they're already chipping. what gives?! i think this is the last time i will ever paint my nails big apple red creme.
11. shaving your legs in a hurry with a brand new razor with cold water and conditioner [in lieu of shaving cream] is a bad, bad idea. i lost a lot of blood yesterday.
12. yesterday i got really frustrated with a roommate because she spent [no exaggeration] two hours in the bathroom yesterday doing who knows what. i really had to go to the bathroom and the other bathroom in the house didn't have any toilet paper. even when three of us knocked on the door and asked if she was almost done, she stayed in there for another hour.
that's when i realized that i'm done with the living with five other girls biz.
13. last night i had a dream that i had a polaroid camera and i took pictures of babies and a mystery man and i woke up wishing i had one for real.
14. this is my 90th post.
15. today in the shower i was standing there, thinking, and i realized that i hadn't sung in a long, long time. so even though there were other people home and the window was wide open, i sang one song. and i sang it loud. and i immediately felt better.
16. will someone teach me how to play bass? or just let me borrow a bass for a little bit so i can figure it out on my own?


*a friend told me once, and i confirmed on wikipedia, that this song was written by lindsey buckingham after he broke up with fellow bandmate stevie nicks. can you imagine singing a song like this with the very person who inspired it?
**i love that girl's voice.
***speaking of love, i'm in love with glen hansard. this song is genius.
****i almost linked to a recent performance on a television special that the casinos did. i still will. here it is. these guys have still got it. i got chills watching it.
*****the beach boys' version of this song is good, too.
******this made me giggle. it was the only video that had the original song in it.

it's official!

i received word today that i have been officially accepted to be an OSSO volunteer!

i leave for ecuador july 30th!

and i cannot wait.

on a completely different note...

confirmation

as i was sitting in the temple today, waiting to do confirmations, i opened up the book of mormon to a random page and began reading.
this is what i read.

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will boast not of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things..."

"Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing--unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God..."

"Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success."

Alma 26:12, 22, 27

prayers are answered.

a goal

at work, instrumental piano versions of hip-hop/pop/rap songs play continuously between calls.
so far i've identified eight of them.
[1. apologize // onerepublic
2. don't matter // akon
3. umbrella // rihanna
4. what goes around // justin timberlake
5. stronger // kanye west (this one is really, really funny)
6. say goodbye // chris brown
7. champion // kanye west
8. flashing lights // kanye west]
my goal is to identify them all before my time there is up.

growin up

this is megan haslam.
and today is her birthday.

megan was my roommate from fall 2008 and is a great great friend.

here are ten reasons why megan is so awesome:

1. when i was sick last semester, she brought me dinner.
2. she is HILARIOUS.
3. her blog is inspiring.
4. she also dreams of living in nyc.
5. she went to ecuador last year to help the orphans.
6. she's very positive and optimistic.
7. she listens.
8. she gives great advice.
9. she loves to travel.
10. she has the funniest anecdotes ever.

happy birthday, may-may!!

i hate the interweb.

i have been sitting here at my desk staring at an empty text box for five minutes now with tears rolling down my cheeks and manchester orchestra ringing in my ears.

and the only thing i can think of to say is

everyone who says that these years are the best years of your life is completely delusional.



i wish i could start all over again.
move to a new place
start studying something i actually like
meet all different kinds of people
become acquainted with a new place

there are good things in my life right now, and i'm trying so hard to acknowledge and show gratitude for them,
but that doesn't seem like enough anymore.


i don't know what else to do
other than listen to this song on repeat
close my eyes
and wish i were somewhere else.

just one thought and then off to bed.

sometimes it completely astounds me to think that as my day is ending,

on the other side of the world,

someone's day is just beginning.

sometimes

i'm convinced i was born in the wrong generation.

this music makes my heart skip a beat.

it's not personal. it's business.

this is an example of my newest art/life appreciation project.
everyday i make a list of five good things from the day before,
rip it out of my notebook,
rip out a corner of an old national geographic,
glue them together,
and stick it on my wall.
it's helping.

-----------------------

simple joys:

1. getting two people to take a survey from me while everyone else only got one [or none].
2. a chocolate-chip-frosted chocolate cupcake from visiting teachers.
3. downloading a free live album. thanks, coldplay!
4. waking up at nine and watching the newest episodes of parks + recreation [it's growing on me], the office, and 30 rock.
5. hearing cheesy instrumental piano versions of justin timberlake's "what goes around" and chris brown's "say goodbye".
6. the knowledge that i only have one more day of training left. hallelujah!
7. arizona. large house. monday night.
8. getting home from work right when the song i'm listening to ends.
9. being able to pedal standing up on my bike once again.
10. wearing a t-shirt backwards. on purpose.

the computers at the ROC = dinosaurs.

today wasn't so great because...

i missed out on an amazing opportunity to see one of my favorite bands in salt lake because of my own stupidity,
my application for osso is still being processed. i get phone calls almost daily from them asking for more references, better references, references who know me well, [what if i don't have anymore? what if this doesn't work out? what if i'm stuck next semester?]
working at the ROC will be awful... i just know it [not half as bad as apx, but still...],
i woke up at 4:30, 5:40, 6:15, 7:30, and finally 8. i gave up on sleep and stayed awake. i'm still wondering if that was a good choice,
and my roommate's decision to listen to books on tape AS LOUD AS HER STEREO CAN GO is driving me insane.

but today wasn't so bad because...

i watched some 30 rock,
lyndee and i left notes for each other on our bikes at the ROC,
i got to eat a strawberry-topped, vanilla-iced, chocolate cupcake courtesy of justin,
i listened to "little lungs" on repeat,
my room is SPOTLESS,
i will FINALLY have my own room next semester,
ecuador [assuming i get accepted] isn't too far off in the future,
the sun was shining today,
and my foot doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did last week.

just take it one day at a time...

stuck in my head.

baby michael jackson is incredible.

why i'm happy

yesterday was wonderful.

i...
heard a weird talk in church about how girls spend hours getting ready so that they look good for church and all they're looking for is a compliment from a boy in return,
had an epiphany during relief society,
ate two cookies after ward choir,
called my mother on her day,
ate couscous,
took a three hour long nap,
talked to nikki on the phone,
made up a handclapping game,
hung out in the front yard with my gang,
wore my huge sweater,
took a walk,
had a brawl with a rival bike gang,
made up gang names for my friends [jonny vulture, two step],
visited my old house,
witnessed a fireman try to take a splinter out of sam's foot,
was christened with a gang name of my own [coco],
wrote a mothers day blog,
stole a brownie [they were sitting out!],
talked to hannah banana,
watched the pilot of freaks and geeks,
ate a pink lady apple,
and fell asleep promptly.

life is good.

mothers day.

i have the best mom in the world.
let me give you a list of reasons why.

1. i call her nearly every day and she never complains.
2. she makes the best chicken enchiladas/cinnamon rolls/apple pie/bean burgers/crescent rolls/pizza ever.
3. she gave birth to six babies. that's a lot of babies. [and a lot of pain.]
4. she endured four painful years of waking me up for seminary. [my mom is an angel.]
5. she's a neat-freak.
6. she sings in the ward choir every sunday.
7. she is faithful.
8. she gives the best advice.
9. she makes me laugh every day.
10. she's forgiving.
11. she's humble.
12. she can sew a formal in a day.
13. she is an amazing grandma. [i can't wait to share her with my future children. i know they'll love her as much as i do.]
14. she has a rock-solid testimony.
15. she gives the best mom hugs ever.
16. she always has the spirit with her.
17. she loves music.
18. she's friendly and treats people she doesn't know very well like family. [all my friends love her.]
19. she is very service-oriented.
20. she's selfless.
21. when she gets mad, she doesn't stay mad for long.
22. she's AMAZING with kids.
23. she's always there for me.
24. she ends every phone call with "i love you". [sometimes more than one "i love you"!]
25. she is loving, patient, and kind.

mom, words cannot adequately express how much i love you.
you are my best friend and the best mother in the history of the universe.
happy mothers' day!!!!!

smoke signals + one complaint

last night we had a party for sarah in the backyard of some very nice and accommodating girls.
they have a fire pit in their backyard.




captured 8 may 2009

---------------

i hate how expensive laundry is.

i smell like campfire.

tonight,
as we parked the cars,
got out,
threw rocks,
and looked at the "city" lights,
i felt closure.

i'm not sure why i needed that,
or why i felt it,
but i'm glad it happened

because now i feel whole.

currently enjoying:

1.


2.

3.


4.

5. my newest art project.

6. hairspray/gel/mousse-free hair.

7. waking up at eleven after getting five hours of restless sleep the night before.

8. stream of consciousness writing.

9. ee cummings.

10. the sun in the sky.

this is pretty ridiculous, but i have so much to say today.

today was interesting.

i took it easy until 1,
took a shower,
spent an hour primping,
finished a new song,
had an "interview",
got a [crappy]job,
met some new people,
read ten pages of zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance,
took a thirty minute nap because i don't sleep at night anymore,
woke up from said nap,
watched the new [funnier than usual] office episode,
laughed and laughed while watching the new 30 rock episode,
took a slow and steady bikeride to broulims,
ran into old friends,
bought celebratory [haagen daz' peanut butter+chocolate]ice cream and pink lady apples,
went dumpster diving at great harvest,
found nothing,
took the long way home,
thought and thought and thought,
dreamed and dreamed and dreamed,
watched some of the special features off the school of rock dvd,
and listened to mates of state and beyonce and death cab for cutie until i caved in and started this post.

sounds like a normal day, right?

wrong.

there wasn't a single instance today when i felt despair, impatience, or desire to fast forward my life.
on my way home from my adventure earlier tonight, with the wind in my hair and a jenny lewis song stuck in my head, i thought about my life and how i've been wasting it away by wishing i was somewhere/one else doing something different.
i've talked about this so many times with friends and family and it's really frustrating how i never seem to really get it, but it occurred to me [again] that true happiness comes from appreciating and enjoying the stage of life you are in at the moment.

and even though circumstances are not ideal at the moment,
i think i'm [slowly]getting there.



that's something to be happy about.

list + news

i have decided/discovered that:

1. i will ride my bike to my job interview in an hour and twenty three minutes.
2. when my hair is curly, i feel pretty.
3. headbands/ribbons should be incorporated more in my everyday ensembles.
4. i will never wear flip flops and ride my bike ever again.
5. there will be a dumpster diving adventure tonight.
6. flying solo is not always a bad thing.
7. change is inevitable, inescapable, difficult, and necessary.
8. i am for sure going to eastern europe [or scandinavia] after i graduate.
9. i can wait.
10. boredom is sometimes wonderful for songwriting. two new songs in one week!
11. newborn babies look like aliens. beautiful, miraculous aliens.
12. before the end of the semester i will play a song at music outlet.
13. things aren't always what they're cracked up to be.
14. i am ready for warmth.

---------------------
in other news...

my foot feels/looks better,

there is a new 30 rock on tonight,

i have a new niece,

i can't stop listening to "halo",

music appreciation is wonderful,

and i am inexplicably optimistic.