it's love.

i borrowed the first season of gilmore girls from my sister.
i plan to watch seasons one to five while i'm home.

so far, i've seen sookie and jackson's first date [a favorite episode],
the saga of rory and dean [hate him],
sparks between lorelai and luke [it kills me that it takes them FOUR SEASONS to get together],
and...

the town troubador.

oh, man... i'm crushing hardcore on this man.
i can't wait until the episode when the new town troubadour [who plays mr. rosso in freaks and geeks--genius] comes into stars hollow and he gets the guy kicked out.

he checks everything off my list:
glasses, musical talent, mysterious, cute face/hair...

i'm in love.
too bad he's a fictional character.

anyone know of a man like the town troubadour?

boo.

i hate halloween.

why can't america just celebrate the day of the dead instead?

mi cuaderno

i've never been much of a journal-writer.
i have been given many journals in my lifetime, and with each blank book comes excitement and determination to fill every page with my thoughts, dreams, and secrets.
and with each blank book comes one week of dedicated journalwriting,
complete with embarrassing entries [subject matter: boys, drama, what i got for christmas],
and either a disinterest or complete disregard for the practice.

after many years of failed journaling, i have finally discovered the problem:

every single journal i've ever had has intimidated me.

it sounds stupid! but it's true! promise!
you see, it all started with one of the first journals i ever received.
it was beautiful; a dark brown cover with "J O U R N A L" printed across the top [like so] above a picture of Jesus and pages and pages of cream-colored paper with charcoal lines for words and the date.
but it was too beautiful.
i remember writing on the very first page and messing up.
i was heartbroken.
on top of that, my handwriting was [and, arguably, still is] terrible and i remember telling myself that no journal that beautiful on the outside deserves to be so ugly on the inside.

and ever since then, every journal i receive, although much appreciated, is at one time or another completely forgotten because of that traumatizing experience [if you can even call it that].

there are minute details of my life that will never be remembered all because i was too intimidated to record them.

what a shame.

before i left for ecuador, though, i received some inspiration by buying a "fat lil notebook" [pictured above] in black.
at the time, i didn't know why i even bought it. it seemed... weird.
but someone upstairs must have known the significant impact that little notebook would have on me.

because it changed my life.

i wasn't a completely faithful and dedicated journaler, but i recorded what i felt was important.
and, most importantly, i wasn't afraid to make mistakes.
i wasn't intimidated by its small stature or familiar aqua lines.

i couldn't be more grateful for the orem target that carried this heaven-sent item straight into my arms.
and heart.

[and the cheesy tribute to the fat lil notebook ends.... here.]

soco amaretto lime

two weeks before i left rexburg, i found an old pentax pc-33 at DI.
i bought two rolls of film and made a goal to fill up both rolls with photos of people and places and things that i love.
i finally got them developed last night and spent hours scanning them into my parents' computer, smiling with each one.

i love the people in them
and i love the look and feel of tangible photos
and of taking a photo without really knowing how it's going to turn out until it's developed.

i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

any help would be greatly appreciated. seriously. i'm begging you. HELP ME!

it all started when i was six.
i remember sitting in the hard, orange, plastic chair and listening to mrs. hinton talk about violins, oboes, trumpets, and harps and how they, along with many other instruments, made up the orchestra.
i remember learning folk songs.
i remember being sung to on my birthday and getting to take a handful of skittles from mrs. hinton's sacred skittle birthday cup.
and i remember thinking, "this is what i want to do with my life."

fast forward twelve years.

on my application to byu-idaho, i checked Music Education for the major i had a desire to pursue and signed up for one (1) music class.
it was music 101.
and i hated it.
i did well, but every single person in the classroom was a music major.
and every single one of them gave off a very distinct "music major" aroma.
and it stinks.
and i remember looking around me on my first day, overhearing conversations of my fellow classmates and thinking, "this is not who i want to become."

fast forward one year.

remembering how much i loved my humanities 101 class, i decided to change my path of life and teach humanities in a high school.
but byu-idaho only has a humanities minor.
so i picked English with an Emphasis in Literary Studies as my major with a minor in Humanities.
sounds impressive, eh?
i thought so.
but i took one semester of humanities 201
and two semesters worth of english classes.
and nearing the end of my second semester studying that field, i remember thinking, "HELP!"
two weeks later, i was changing my major to Spanish Education with a minor in English Education [solely because i had taken so many english classes and thought i could graduate faster that way].

fast forward one more year.

i was in hell.
all i remember thinking was a mixture between "i'm drowning and can't get to the water's surface!" and "why am i putting myself through this?" and "i'm dropping out. that's the only solution."
people kept telling me that once i had an experience outside of the united states speaking spanish, my inner voice would shut up and i would regain confidence and have a new desire to succeed.
so i went to ecuador.
and, upon my return, realized that all of those people were wrong.

but what could i do?

social work?
art history?
music [once again]?
elementary ed?
early childhood and special education?
university studies?
home and family education?
flower arranging??
underwater basket-weaving?!?!

i still have no idea.

this whole fiasco started with a music class.
mrs. hinton, i blame you.

i hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and a cardigan.

i'm very ashamed.
but this song is too catchy.
and it caught me.
i heard it on the radio today on my jobhunt and it pumped me up.

oy.

what has become of me?!

ogeid nas = san diego

i just spent the weekend in san diego.
[say it with me now, "ahhhhhh...."]

i had the chance to spend time with the nations of jorgensen,
eat delicious food [including in&out],
visit coronado island,
go to the beach [as evidenced in above photo],
play with babies,
and not be in cold utah.

so, in all, it was a successful trip!
well, other than the fact that i was grumpy 64% of the time...

i'm constantly amazed at how wonderful parents kris and jenn are.
and at how beautiful their kids are.
i mean, look at this!


sammy cautious

lucy

i'm planning my next visit in the dead of winter.
because we all know how much i LOVE winter*.

*just in case you didn't know, that was sarcasm.
there are a lot of things i can do without
and snow and cold are two things i would be happy to never encounter again.

i hope you find something in this post that tickles your fanny.

sorry for the hiatus.
i don't even know where i last left off
or what my last post was about
or why there's a 64-count box of crayons on my desk.

but it doesn't matter.
i'm just going to say what i want to say.

in list-form.
because paragraphs annoy me sometimes.

a list of recent goings-on
1. i've been back from ecuador for over a week now. it's weird to be back. i threw my TP away [instead of flushing it] for a few days purely by habit, had a really hard time speaking in english to my nieces and nephews, and completely filled my computer to the max with pictures of babies.
2. i have reignited the flame of love for cooking that was temporarily extinguished for two-and-a-half months. so much so that i spent hours poring over jenn's vegetarian cooking magazines for recipes. so far, i've created a pasta sauce that is so easy and delicious that i will probably never buy jarred or canned sauce again [which is a travesty in and of itself], a chocolate empanada topped with cinnamon, sugar, and toasted almonds, and kidney bean+llapingacho+jalapeno enchiladas with aji sauce.
it's been a good food week.
i was going to blog about it all, but i am impatient.
and when i cook food, i want to eat it. right now.
not wait while it gets cold so i can take pretty pictures.
but someday i will be patient enough to document my creations.
3. i want a baby. now.
4. the second i save up enough pennies to buy the swell season's new album, strict joy [which comes out tomorrow!], i'm purchasing it. i'm listening to it right now [thank you, national public radio], and it's the perfect autumn album.

it's good to be back, friends.

[expect future posts about the following:
-my last two days in ecuador
-my new dilemma
-my new projects
-my trip to san diego]

"chao, chicas! les extranare mucho!"

if today is a sign of how hard this week will be emotionally, i'm scared.

tonight i said goodbye to my beloved HML girls.
and i cried like a baby.

i have grown to love those girls so much. being the site leader there wasn't always easy, but just like with the other sites, all problems and difficulties are forgotten once you receive a hug or a kiss from them.

tonight, i had a billion girls ask me for my email address and hug me until i couldn't breathe and it was heaven.
until it was time to leave.

i held the tears in until i hugged one girl in particular. she hugged me, and looked up at me with tears in her eyes and told me to never forget her. the dam broke.



i will never forget her.
i will never forget any of those girls and what they have taught me.
and they will always be my little sisters.

the lasts

it's getting to be that time again.

the time of the lasts.

my last bread buy [last saturday],
my last remar shift [the saturday before the last bread buy saturday],
my last alegria shift [last friday],
my last esperanza shift [last week],
my last milagros shift [yesterday],
my last time seeing martha [tonight],
my last casas shift [tonight],
my last sunday [yesterday],
my last field trip [wednesday],
my last cuna shift [thursday morning],
my last hml [tonight],
my last tutto freddo ice cream cone [tonight],
my last balcony dance party [tonight? tomorrow night? wednesday night?].

it's really hitting me that i'm going home so soon.

yo se.

my very first sunday in ecuador was a fast sunday.
i remember feeling so excited before the meeting because i had never experienced attending church in a different country before.
and i wasn't disappointed.
i was touched by entire families walking up to the stand together and bearing witness of the truthfulness of the gospel one by one, supporting and edifying each other.
it was such a beautiful illustration and example of how families in the church should be: united, loving, and firm in the faith.

it touched me so deeply that i told myself i would bear my testimony before i left.

a month went by, and i found myself sick with a fever and chills.
i had counted on that sunday being The Sunday.
but it wasn't time yet.

and then today, a beautiful fast and testimony meeting occurred again.

the moment i sat on the wooden bench, i knew that today was The Sunday [i knew because my foot wouldn't stop moving, my hands got cold, and i kept folding my arms across my stomach].

during the sacrament, i took out my notebook, said a prayer, and started writing.
my spanish wasn't perfectly grammatically correct, but i knew that i could receive help if i had the faith to receive it.

after a few people had shared their testimonies, chelsea [my fellow volunteer] and i walked up to the front of the room and sat down.
as i sat and listened, i prayed that my knees wouldn't buckle as i stood at the pulpit, that my legs would be strong enough to walk to the stand, and that my heart would be filled with the Spirit to know what to say and how to say it.

and then i waited,
waited,
waited

until, finally, it was my turn.

"Buenos dias, hermanos y hermanas..." i began. as i looked out at the congregation, my trepidations evaporated. faith replaced fear. i saw smiling faces looking back at me, silently supporting me and encouraging me in this difficult and frightening endeavor.

i thought about the time i had spent here,
the people i had met,
the experiences i had had,
the friendships i've made,
the love i've felt,
the lessons i've learned.

and it filled my heart with joy.

i clumsily expressed what i know to be true, and sat down.
peace filled my soul and flowed through me. i felt the Spirit more strongly than i ever have before in a testimony meeting and i knew that that was Heavenly Father's way of expressing his love for me.

even though i've had rough days and weeks here,
even though i've been spit, pooped, and thrown up on,
even though i've missed my friends and family more than they know,
i know why i'm here.

i know i've said this before, possibly in jest, but my life has been forever changed.

mi testimonio es muy sencillo.
yo se que nuestro Padre Celestial nos escucha, nos protege, y tiene todo el poder a hacer cosas maravillosas y milagros en nuestras vidas.
yo se que Jesucristo es nuestro Salvador, que El murio para salvarnos. yo se que nos ama, y nos conoce. El vive.
yo se que Jose Smith fue un profeta verdadero, y que restauro el evangelio para la salvacion de todos.
yo se que el Presidente Monson es nuestro profeta hoy y que nos ama. yo se que el recibe revelaciones directamente del Senor para ayudarnos. nos guia. nos ama. yo se que las cosas que el dice son verdaderos.
Yo se que nuestras oraciones estan oidos y contestados por un amado Padre Celestial.
Yo se que podemos hacer convenios con el Padre en el templo y que nuestros familias pueden ser eternas.
es dulce a saber esas cosas.
y dejo esas cosas en el nombre de Jesucristo,
amen.

bon anniversaire!

kari and eva doing eva's aunt's signature pose

today is eva's birthday.

she is my brother, kirk's, wife and is lovely, funny, and incredibly talented.
i'm so glad she's part of our family and i love her so much!

feliz cumpleanos, eva!

i lied.

i went to guayaquil on friday. it was wonderful.
and cremo had a blast.

------------------

in other news:
1. i'm currently experiencing a quarter-life crisis.
2. josefina made me a bracelet this evening. i can't take it off until i go back home to the united states. her words.
i'll probably wear it forever.
3. covering the shift of someone else when you were planning on sleeping in and taking a shower and listening to conference talks is the most devastating event that can occur.
4. only ten days left in cuenca.

can it be next thursday already?

fifteen girls + nine hour workdays + relatively small living space = me wanting to run far, far away.

that's all i have to say for now.

como se llama mi mami?

earlier today i had the opportunity to go to an orphanage that we only visit once a week. compared to the other orphanages we volunteer at daily, it's rougher all around.
the first time i ever went to this orphanage, a little girl who must have been a little under two years old was walking around the area we were playing in with feces and urine all over her pants. she wasn't even wearing a diaper.

when we arrived this afternoon, after getting mobbed by the children, a little boy ran up to me and put his arms up, signifying that he wanted me to pick him up. as we walked to the yard to do the activity emily had planned, he wrapped his arms around my neck and asked me, "como se llama mi mami?" which means, "what's my mommy's name?". i was so taken aback by this question i didn't know how to answer it. all i could do was to just look into his deep brown eyes and tell him i didn't know. it broke my heart and i ached for him.

i have known all along that the vast majority of these children are abandoned, but it never really hit me until this afternoon.

i love you so much, mom and dad.
thanks for loving me always and not abandoning me [even though i probably deserved it once or twice].

it is time.

it is time to introduce you, my faithful readers, to the most delicious food in the world.
friends and family, meet salchipapas.
salchipapas, meet my friends and family.
there's a little roadside stand in front of one of the orphanages i work at that sells them for fifty cents [!!] and these babies are so sinfully delicious, it feels like we're robbing them.

so, what are salchipapas?

imagine this: homemade [and handcut] french fries, mayonnaise, ketchup, and aji [more on that later] topped with half of a hotdog.

it is the most satisfying meal.
especially after a long day of work.
-----------------
in other news, we went to guayaquil today!
we got to go to the temple and i have never felt so much peace and joy as i did this morning within the walls of the guayaquil temple.
the temple president talked with us for a while and told us that the experiences we have here in ecuador will change our lives. he called us elect ladies and future mothers in zion and promised us that after our time in ecuador, we will be more sensitive to the feelings of others, more patient, more understanding, and more loving.
everything he said was just what i needed to hear [which happens a lot down here] and before i knew it, i was crying [which also happens a lot down here--but they're happy tears (don't worry, mom and dad)].
i thought about the sacrifices the humble people of this beautiful country make to attend the temple. how they save up little by little for weeks, months, to be able to make the journey to guayaquil.
i thought about how much i take for granted. in utah, i could go to six different temples and not have to drive longer than forty five minutes. at school, i simply walk there.
how blessed are we to have such an amazing opportunity so accessible?

answer: more than we can ever imagine.


i'm so grateful for this experience in south america. although it's been extremely difficult at times, it's been the most rewarding and joyous two months of my life.

i've never been happier.
i've never worked so hard.
i've never loved so much.
and i'll never be the same after this [in a good way].