because mom always tell me to do this when times are tough.

five good things about today:
1. plans to make birthday crepes.
2. taco bell.
3. an early birthday gift from the ohio jorgensens [kirk and eva: expect a phone call from me tomorrow! sorry i couldn't get to it today].
4. oh my sweet carolina over and over and over again.
5. feeling so much gratitude for all of the wonderful people in my life. i truly am blessed. i love you all.

it was so hard to return part two.

this weekend was near-perfection.

good music [miniature tigers, where have you been all my life?]

good food [ravioli. quesadillas. aebbelskivers. toasted sandwiches. slurpees.]

good friends [hannah grace. lyndee lenae. nikki marie. aaron patrick. justin matthew. jonathon william. jeffrey scott.]

good fun [music. the cantrells. graywhale. salt lake.]


it was so hard to return.



yesterday was very, very difficult.
i think the reason why was a mixture of missing family, the stress of the end of the semester, and the blizzard we experienced on sunday.
i found myself listening to "displaced" on repeat [bad sign] and dreaming of ecuador and getting out of this town.

but in spite of its difficulty, i
1. saw a heart-shaped patch of snow on the sidewalk.
2. witnessed a good deed.
3. received a picture of a flying unicorn from a good friend.
4. rejoiced in the blue, sunny sky.
5. wore my huge, ugly sweater to the library.
6. enjoyed some almond m+ms.
7. realized the end is near.
8. felt excitement for the future.


i guess there really is a silver lining behind every cloud.

it was so hard to return.

i'll find a way out of here. do you believe me? just watch me.

this weekend = utah.

for bishop allen on friday night

and

festival of colors on saturday

and

some much-needed time away from rexburg and the freshly-fallen snow.

photos will be taken.

--------

what i've been listening to lately:

1. i'm like a virgin losing a child // manchester orchestra
-"golden ticket" and "wolves at night" are my favorites.
2. takk... // sigur ros
-perfect studying music.
3. orange rhyming dictionary // jets to brazil
-recently re-introduced to me by jeffrey scott poole.
4. under the blacklight // rilo kiley
-not a huge fan of this album, but "silver lining" is wonderful.
5. acid tongue // jenny lewis
-"godspeed" and "trying my best to love you" and "carpetbaggers" are genius.

hahahahahaha.

silver lining.

i constantly change my mind.
one day i'll have a grand idea and be super excited about it, and the next day i'll decide that i want something different.

but mark my words, this time i'm sticking to my plan.
this time, there's no going back.

i'm going to ecuador.

i can't even describe how good i feel about this decision.
lately i have been so stressed out with trying to decide what i'm going to do and where i'm going to go and this is the first time i've felt peace in weeks.
and since i've made this decision, things have fallen into place. even though i just made it a few hours ago, i just have this great excitement and zest for life.
even though i feel like a grandma sometimes, i am still young.
and there is still so much i want to do with my life.

i want to live in seattle, travel to scandinavia, go on a roadtrip across the country, graduate from school, start my career, live somewhere cool, meet all kinds of people, eat delicious food, learn how to cook/sew/decorate, and just live my life.

so, in order to accomplish these things, i have made a plan for the next year or so.

life plan:
april - mid-july = rexburg.
july - november = cuenca.
november - beginning of january = orem.
january - april = rexburg.
april/may - august = seattle/new york [nannying?].


there you have it.

i just have to say, i've done a complete 180.
i am so excited to experience everything that's coming up in my life.
and i feel completely happy for the first time in a long time.

there is hope.
there is always hope.

i'll see you soon.

just a song i've been listening to a lot.



ps: the dvd that this song is from is pretty amazing.

last week,

i:
1. cried a lot.
2. changed my mind a thousand times.
3. dumpster dived ([dove?] giant cinnamon rolls are delicious).
4. thought and thought and thought.
5. enjoyed the sixty degree weather. in rexburg. in MARCH.
6. prayed for rain.
7. listened to the rain fall on my roof the next morning.
8. wished i could fast-forward my life.
9. was very, very frustrated.
10. thought about dropping out of school.
11. wanted a change so desperately.
12. loved.
13. watched lots and lots of gilmore girls.
14. made plans.
15. missed my family more than i can say.
16. made many, many lists.
17. opened up my scriptures to a random page and read the most comforting verses [d+c 100:6, 12, 15]. they were exactly what i needed and an answer to prayer.
18. read this blog and wanted so desperately to move out of idaho [and have a boy propose to me in a secret home-made fort].
19. read this talk and was comforted.
20. wrote a song.
21. had three much-needed girls nights in a row.
22. felt very grateful for all of the amazing people in my life. i don't know what i would do without them.

-------------------------------------

whoever said that this time of life is the best must have been completely deranged.

i hate/fear the unknown.

am i making something worthwhile out of this place?

this is just a song i've been listening to on repeat lately.

am i making something worthwhile out of this place?

saturday was glorious.
the sun was out, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky, all the snow is melting, and only a light jacket was needed.

we packed lunches
and headed out to porter park to eat them on the playground equipment.

then we headed out to nature park
and fed the ducks.

our favorites received names.
the one in the center with the little tuft of feathers on his head is lovingly named sideshow bob.

candid shot.
[nikki, hannah, aaron, lyndee]

posed shot.

even though it looks like winter in these photos, it felt like spring.
and i couldn't be happier about that.

DISCLAIMER: THE BELGIUM TRIP IS NOT ACTUALLY TAKING PLACE. IT WAS SIMPLY A JOKE/DREAM.
sorry.

a list!

why i loved today:
1. it's vrjidag!
2. spontaneous drives to st. anthony and back and to the duck pond just to listen to a bob dylan album.
3. beautiful, beautiful weather.
4. disappearing snow.
5. walks to broulims to get oranges.
6. naps.
7. dan in real life.
8. mini cupcakes with funfetti frosting!
9. 30 rock.
10. miles davis and facebook chats to end the day.
-------
rexburg weather is deceiving.
today i woke up, looked outside my window and saw blue, sunny skies and absolutely no snow.
so, i just wore a jacket to school.

within two minutes of being outside, my boogers were frozen.
my feet were so cold, they were stiff.

why can't it feel beautiful when it looks beautiful?
-------
a friend and i were talking about how when we're rich someday, we're going to have apartments in really cool cities.
i picked seattle and chicago and san francisco.

i know i'll never be rich, but one day i will live in one of those cities.
and i know i will be happy.
-------
everyone and their dog is pregnant.

it's so weird.
-------
i really miss kiko a lot.
i don't know why, but this whole week i've felt this huge void in my life that kiko used to fill.

is that weird?

she always knew when i was upset even before i would outwardly show any sign of feeling that way. there were so many times in my life where tears would well up in my eyes, and i would hear kiko's little paws trotting into my room and feeling her jump on my bed and cuddle up next to me.

i miss that more than i can say.
-------
i sure love the swell season.

i'm down for whatever.

yesterday i...

1. planned a trip to belgium.
we're leaving in april and staying for a week.
2. visited the library for an hour.
where i did homework for twenty minutes out of the two hours spent there.
3. planned and schemed.
california? colorado?
4. finally purchased food.
four loaves of good bread for five dollars. that's what i'm talking about.
5. listened to this song on repeat.
they don't love you like i love you.
6. mailed out my housing contract + deposit for next semester.
only five roommates. yessssss.
7. got really, really, really excited for ecuador.
megan, your pictures are beautiful.
8. listened to van lear rose.
music appreciation.
9. drank a very, very large soda for only sixty cents.
thank you, horkleys!
10. made a birthday present.
guess who it's for!
11. got taken out for ice cream.
chocolate cake batter with reeses peanut butter cups.
12. wore my mermaid outfit.
the shell necklace completes it.
13. got in two fights.
i'm pretty sure i lost both times.
14. wanted to wear red lipstick.
just for grins.
15. watched this video and ached for this.
it just might work.
16. saw the sun and blue skies.
spring is on its way!
17. missed my family.
love you all.
18. hoped.
please, please, please let me get what i want.
19. listened to the camera obscura station on pandora.
it was perfect.
20. felt grateful for all of the amazing and supportive people i have in my life.
thank you.

my babies.

What do you think about my little new baby evie?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?



What do you think about my little new baby rusty?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?



What do you think about my little new baby leah?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?



What do you think about my little new baby adam jr.?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

i love this website.

thirty-three.

today is the day of my oldest sister, kirsten's, birth.

let me tell you about her.

1. she is an amazing, amazing mother.
the birthday parties she throws for her kids are always so creative and look like they came out of a martha stewart magazine.
she has seemingly limitless patience.
she believes in her children and shows so much love for them.
she makes learning fun and encourages exploration and discovery.

2. she is one of the most creative and talented people i know.
just read her blog. you'll see what i mean.

3. she gives good, reasonable advice.
especially to a sister who doesn't always listen to reason.

4. she's an example to me in every way.
when i grow up, i want to be like her.


see? isn't she amazing?

kirsten, i love you and i'm so glad you're my sister!

happy birthday!

guinness book of world records!

thanks, aaron.

two days in a row.

this morning i woke up at 8:50.
my first class is at 9.
i jumped out of bed, threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt, hurriedly brushed my teeth, grabbed my bag, and ventured outside into the cold air.
it had snowed during the night. this time it was just a light dusting, though, so i thanked the Lord and continued on my way to the snow building, arriving at my film class two minutes late.
deja vu ensued.
[on my very first day of school at byu-idaho, i had a class in the romney and then a class ten minutes later in the ricks building. these two buildings are on opposite ends of campus. i couldn't remember exactly how to get to the ricks building, but i knew it was at the top of the hill. looking back on it now, i took the longest way possible and was five minutes late. the second i opened the door and walked into the lecture hall, my teacher was just beginning a lecture on how he does not tolerate tardiness.]
i found myself feeling like eighteen year-old kellie olivia jorgensen once again, scared and confused and completely embarrassed. i sat through my film professor's ten minute-long lecture on being late and wondered why i had even gone to class that day.
as he droned on and on about who knows what, i looked at him and wondered why he was here.
and then it hit me: film is this man's passion. he has studied film and theater for years [i dare say decades] all so that he can share his passion with others and teach them things they wouldn't even notice at first viewing.
my next question scared me, to say the least.

why am i here?

obviously, i'm studying to become a high school spanish teacher.
is it my passion?
no.
is it something i think about a lot and crave to learn more about?
definitely not.
then why am i here? why did i choose this path for myself?
i'm still trying to answer this question.

i thought the uncertainty would go away once i found my place,
but it is always present.

i constantly find myself aching for more, for something completely different.
i can't put my finger on exactly what that is, but i know it involves me living elsewhere, doing something different. something i'm excited about.

i don't know what that entails right now, but i hope i find out soon.

what i've been up to lately.

1. figuring out what to do with my hair.
i know i want my hair to be blonde again [although being a brunette was really fun and exciting], but i think i want to take a couple inches off my hair?
i'll probably change my mind tomorrow or get it done and regret the decision right away.
in other hair news, my roommate and i successfully gave my hair a trim! i got impatient and started cutting the dead ends off and she got scared [rightfully so] and finished the job.
also, i keep trying every once in a while to get my bangs to look like this:
but they always end up looking like they always do.
oh well.
c'est la vie.

2. album of the week
wednesday is probably my favorite day of the week because of this new tradition.
my friends and i take turns picking an album that we love/appreciate and lie down on the living room floor and listen to it in its entirety.
my first [and only] pick was bruce springsteen's nebraska.
it's my turn this week.
i'm thinking of picking bjork's homogenic or beirut's gulag orkestar or loretta lynn's van lear rose.
we'll see.

3. enjoying an unseasonably mild rexburg winter
i don't have any pictures yet, but the snow is melting! and it's march!
i can see the grass in my front yard!
and most of the blue track across the street from my house!
spring is literally right around the corner.

4. homework
eww.

5. collage
pictures soon to come.
-----
what i'm anticipating:

1. summer
as most of you know, i'm staying in rexburg for the summer.
i couldn't be more excited. i'm expecting to have the best summer of my life.

2. mates of state
road trip!
denver!
so excited!

3. no school until september
i'm getting burned out.

4. ecuador

5. this.
-----
do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder what you're doing with your life?
lately i've found myself going about my day and wondering why i'm doing what i'm doing.
i'm terrified i've made a huge mistake.
-----
i can't stop listening to ok ikumi's spirits.
it's inspiring.
-----
when does it get easier?
-----
on particularly difficult days, i find myself listening to this song on repeat.

enjoy.