this morning i woke up at 8:50.
my first class is at 9.
i jumped out of bed, threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt, hurriedly brushed my teeth, grabbed my bag, and ventured outside into the cold air.
it had snowed during the night. this time it was just a light dusting, though, so i thanked the Lord and continued on my way to the snow building, arriving at my film class two minutes late.
deja vu ensued.
[on my very first day of school at byu-idaho, i had a class in the romney and then a class ten minutes later in the ricks building. these two buildings are on opposite ends of campus. i couldn't remember exactly how to get to the ricks building, but i knew it was at the top of the hill. looking back on it now, i took the longest way possible and was five minutes late. the second i opened the door and walked into the lecture hall, my teacher was just beginning a lecture on how he does not tolerate tardiness.]
i found myself feeling like eighteen year-old kellie olivia jorgensen once again, scared and confused and completely embarrassed. i sat through my film professor's ten minute-long lecture on being late and wondered why i had even gone to class that day.
as he droned on and on about who knows what, i looked at him and wondered why he was here.
and then it hit me: film is this man's passion. he has studied film and theater for years [i dare say decades] all so that he can share his passion with others and teach them things they wouldn't even notice at first viewing.
my next question scared me, to say the least.
why am i here?
obviously, i'm studying to become a high school spanish teacher.
is it my passion?
no.
is it something i think about a lot and crave to learn more about?
definitely not.
then why am i here? why did i choose this path for myself?
i'm still trying to answer this question.
i thought the uncertainty would go away once i found my place,
but it is always present.
i constantly find myself aching for more, for something completely different.
i can't put my finger on exactly what that is, but i know it involves me living elsewhere, doing something different. something i'm excited about.
i don't know what that entails right now, but i hope i find out soon.
2 comments:
hmmm...i hope you find it, too. not that you have to be head over heels in love with what you are doing, but you should be excited by it, and at the very least interested by it and find some enjoyment in doing it. (this isn't to say that there won't always be little parts to anything you do that you won't like. like cleaning the press for me...or doing my bookkeeping.)
I agree with Eva - not everyone has to have that full passion about something. But you're definitely interested in what you're doing. That's enough. There are such things as hobbies...
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